I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
