i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
