We're facebook friends in real life
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize