Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
