We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
