How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
