I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
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