Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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