this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
