I am in a vortex of obligation.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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