Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out