On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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