I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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