when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
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Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
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You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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