If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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