the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
