Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
