No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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