1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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