Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I stole a fireplace last night.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
