so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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