This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
