There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
