the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
