Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
