Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
