I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
