champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
