A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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