Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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