Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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