Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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