I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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