Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
