So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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