I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
