did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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