i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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