I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
