we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
