Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
