Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
