I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
i've created a new STD.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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