Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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