Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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