Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
