She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
BRING THE BAGELS
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
