I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
