Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
