Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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