I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
