I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
