At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
