Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
