Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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