It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
